Imagine this.
You get on a flight from California to North Carolina, approximately 5 hours.
Settling into your seat, you put your sweatshirt on and your headphones in, and wait patiently to pull out your laptop to edit your latest Medium article.
As people continue to board the plane, you wait with curiosity, wondering who will join you in row 15.
And then it happens. An 84-year-old woman, with short white hair and lots of clanking jewelry, sits right next to you.
This is a sign of a good time.
I excitedly take my headphones out and greet my new friend.
I love sitting next to senior citizens on a plane ride and taking full advantage of their wisdom by asking questions, so long as they’re willing to answer.
Here’s the wisdom about life that was bestowed upon me during a five-hour plane flight by an 84-year-old woman, Sue.
#1 Don’t Make an Enemy of the One You Love
Romantic relationships and how to successfully sustain them are very interesting to me.
So one of the first questions I asked Sue was whether or not she’d been married.
“Yes, I have! My husband and I were married for 60 years. Sadly, he passed away two years ago”, Sue replied.
After sharing my condolences, I asked her what her number one piece of advice would be for someone like me, young and wanting to be married someday.
Sue looked past the seat in front of her, in a daze, as she told me, “Never make an enemy of the one you love.”
Sue went on to explain that the longer you’re with someone, the more familiar you become with their flaws. And that it can be easy to exaggerate their shortcomings by replaying scenarios in our heads of when they were at their worst.
“It’s really easy to dissect your partner, especially when you’ve been with them for so long and lived through so many experiences together. And the more you replay fights in your head, or things they said that annoyed you or that you didn’t agree with, or whatever the case, the more you start to make an enemy of the one you love.”
Sue and her husband met in college, which I can’t remember them attending. They got married at ages 24 and 25, one year after Sue graduated from college.
Shortly after, they had their first child, a boy, who would be followed by two more children- another boy and the youngest, a girl.
She continued, “Making an enemy of the one you love is like taking off the rose-colored glasses. And sometimes, it’s best to have rose-colored glasses on when you look at your partner. You guys are going to live through a lot together. Things you never would’ve expected. My husband and I lived through the death of one of our children. It’s by far the worst thing we've ever experienced together. And if I had made an enemy of him over the years, we would’ve never survived the tragedy as a couple.”
#2 You Can’t Control the Actions of Others- So Stop Trying
Sitting in the middle seat, she had her giant purse between her legs, overflowing with books, magazines, and lipstick. She asked me to move the air conditioning off her, as she was getting a little “chilly”.
One thing led to another, and Sue started sharing more of her life without me having to ask the questions.
“As life goes on, you start to realize that you can’t control the actions of others, no matter how much you would like to. So you shouldn’t even waste your time trying.”
Sue recalls a story of her friend and how their friendship came to an end.
“I don’t even remember why we stopped being friends, since it happened back when I was in high school. But I do remember thinking that if I could go back and change the outcome, I would. But I realized that I can’t because although I might be able to control my doings, I’ll never be able to control the doings of others. And over the years, this has brought me peace and freedom.”
As I reflected on how this could bring Sue peace and freedom, I realized we spend most of our days trying to control the actions or reactions of those around us.
We walk into work on Monday morning with a rehearsed script of what we did that weekend in order to make our co-workers feel like we live an amazing life, have the perfect family, or have access to things they don’t.
We try to control how they feel about us, how they react to us, and how they perceive our lives.
Or maybe we change who we are for a relationship because we want our partner to like us more. To love us. We try to control their feelings.
Realizing that we can’t control people, how they act, what they say, and how they feel about us brought Sue peace and freedom.
It brought her peace because she could rest assured knowing that the actions and words of others were not her faults, but the faults of the person who did and said them.
It brought her freedom because she knew that the outcome of an event between her and someone else was not solely resting on her abilities (or inabilities) and was in fact a combination of several factors.
Coming to grips with the fact that we can’t control other people, what they say, what they do, and how they think of us, should be a source of peace and freedom instead of worry and anxiety.
#3 Know Your Potential and Don’t Waste It
Sue was born in 1939, at the tail end of the Great Depression, the very beginning of World War II, and during a time when women were beginning to take on new and different roles in the household. Sue went to college from 1958 to 1962 in the heat of the Civil Rights movement, with desegregation laws being passed two years after she graduated.
She lived through many historical events we barely even learn about in school today.
She briefly mentioned how all these things deeply impacted who she is, how she viewed life, and how it taught her not to waste her potential.
“I wasn’t even considering going to college, as I knew I couldn’t ask my parents to fund it, since I was one of five children. But with all this stuff going on around me,” she said, waving her hands, “I realized at a very young age that life is short. And that it’ll go by quickly. I didn’t want to spend my life doing things that weren’t true to who I was. I didn’t want to spend my life living below my potential.”
Sue went to college for education and became a middle school science teacher. She ended up teaching for 40 years, retiring at the age of 63.
“I knew I didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to provide for my family financially and knew I was capable of doing so. I was lucky that my husband fully supported me because my parents really pushed the traditional ideals of that time on me.”
I asked Sue how she knew what her potential was and what advice she would give to teens or young adults who don’t know what their potential is.
Sue replied, “Whatever you think you can do, multiply that by 10.”
#4 Admit to Yourself the Things You Don’t Want To
After a quick bathroom break and getting settled back in, I asked Sue my next question.
“What’s a lesson you’ve had to learn that was really hard?”
She took her time to answer this question, thinking through what she wanted to say. After adjusting the gold bangles on her wrist, she replied, “You have to be 100% honest with yourself. Even when you don’t want to -especially when you don’t want to- you have to admit the truth to yourself.”
This really resonated with me, because I know that the easiest person to lie to is myself.
We lie to ourselves when we say we’re happy, but inside we’re dying.
We lie to ourselves when we say we like our jobs but can barely pull ourselves out of bed to go to work each morning.
We lie to ourselves when we say we’re only going to watch one more episode.
We don’t want to be truthful to ourselves because that means we have to come face-to-face with our demons or the consequences of honesty.
Yet we sit here and construct a reality rooted in the lies we tell ourselves.
“I shouldn’t apply to this job because I’m not qualified enough.”
“I’m a terrible mom because I can’t breastfeed my baby.”
“I’m unlovable because my girlfriend broke up with me.”
Sue tells us that we have to be honest with ourselves, especially when we don’t want to.
So what have you been holding back from yourself? What lies have you been telling yourself?
It’s time to come forward and be honest.
If you do, Sue would be proud.
#5 Travel and See the World
Finally, throughout our conversation, Sue mentioned several times that traveling with her husband was one of her favorite things.
I asked if it was something they did often together, and she replied with, “Yes! We loved to travel. And I still try to travel, even though he’s not here anymore.”
“Our favorite place to go was to Africa, we went on so many safaris, it was amazing. Traveling opened my eyes to the beauty of the world and has brought me so much joy. Way more joy than any possessions I have”, she said, motioning toward the necklaces and rings she was wearing.
She briefly mentioned her travels to Germany, Spain, and even around the United States with her family and husband.
She was currently going to Charlottesville, Virginia, to drive the Shenandoah Mountains during the fall, witnessing the changing leaves, a tradition she and her husband had.
Her children lived all over, one in California (where Sue is from) one in Colorado, and one in Virginia. She made a point to visit all of them throughout the years and loved becoming acquainted with the different states they all lived in.
“It gets lonely being so far away from family sometimes, especially now that my husband is gone. But it gives me an excuse to travel!” Sue said with a smile on her face.
Real Talk
It’s people like Sue and our meeting on the plane that shape the human experience.
What are the odds that we would be on the same flight from California to North Carolina? What are the odds that we would sit right next to each other? What are the odds that she wanted to answer all my questions?
I don’t care to know the odds, because none of that matters.
What matters is that I took the chance to meet someone new by introducing myself and simply being willing to listen.
Every encounter we have with another person is a chance to learn more about the human experience, grow as an individual, and use that experience to help others.
Take these lessons from Sue and allow her wisdom to touch your life, as it did mine.
And the next time you sit next to a stranger on a plane, train, or standing in line at the grocery store, introduce yourself and be willing to listen.
You never know the impact a stranger can have on your life.