There are many things we grow up without explicitly learning and then suddenly one day you’re expected to know how to manage your personal finances, pay taxes, cook healthy and well-balanced meals, and address problems you’re having with a coworker.
Have you ever felt like you were just thrown into the ocean of adulthood without swim lessons or even floaties?
Well, I’ll be the first to say, you’re not alone! I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never 100% know what I’m doing and that most people are just faking it until they make it, like me.
While there are a plethora of adult-ish things we never explicitly learn how to do, today I want to address one of them: the ability to have a hard conversation.
How many of y’all’s heart rates just increased a few beats per minute?
The older you get, the more responsibilities you have, and the more you experience life, the more you need to be able to have tough conversations.
How To Have Tough Conversations 101
Whether it be at home with your spouse or kids, at the office with your co-workers, or in the middle of a weekly catch-up with your best friend, we need to know how to have hard conversations.
Know right off the bat that what I consider to be a ‘hard conversation’ may be different than what you consider to be a ‘hard conversation’, but that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you prepare yourself with the proper tools in order to successfully initiate and navigate tough conversations.
Let’s get on with it.
#1 Decide That a Conversation Needs to Be Had
You’ll avoid having a conversation if you don’t think one needs to be had. Even if deep down you know it’s the only way to properly address the situation.
The very first step in having a hard conversation is admitting that there needs to be one.
It’s all too easy to avoid having tough conversations in the name of keeping peace. But issues that go unaddressed for the sake of savoring peace only cause more turmoil within yourself and often within the relationship.
#2 Acknowledge the Worst Case Scenario Fear
Because you are human, you’re likely to cause yourself more stress and anxiety thinking about all possible outcomes of the tough conversation you want to have.
Instead of freaking yourself out over all the ways in which you think the tough conversation can blow up in your face, write down or make a mental note of the worst-case scenario and move on.
Whether the odds of this worst-case scenario are high or low, you can’t let this made-up situation in your head prevent you from having the conversation.
Acknowledge it and move forward. It’s really all you can do, and it’s better than acknowledging it and staying stuck.
#3 Practice but Don’t Overcomplicate It
Now with this one, you need to know for yourself whether or not this will help more than it’ll hurt. If not, don’t even consider using this strategy. But, practicing a little bit does help me so I wanted to include it.
There’s a benefit in practicing what you want to say and how you want to say it.
You’re able to give yourself the space to know the words and tone you want to use in order to fully and accurately express how you’re feeling. It also gives you the opportunity to figure out how you feel without the input of someone who may try to tell you how you feel.
I know that in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to fully express how you feel because you’re too focused on what the other person is saying and how you’ll respond. Or maybe all your energy is spent on trying to remain level-headed throughout the conversation instead of letting your emotions dictate your actions and words.
If you’re able to give yourself time to practice what and how you want to express what you’re thinking and feeling, you’re able to fully address those things without letting the pressure of the moment impact what you say.
#4 Listen More Than You Talk
Minimize the number of times you interrupt the other person or people you’re speaking with.
Even if you hypothetically should be doing most of the talking because you’re the one who initiated the tough conversation, it doesn’t matter.
In a conversation, especially a hard one, you should seek to listen and understand more than you seek to talk. So much of your own personal clarity can come from your ability to listen to and understand the other person.
Plus, when you seek to listen to and understand the other person, they are likely more willing to put their guard down, removing their defenses, which in turn makes them more willing to listen to and understand you.
#5 Create a Safe Space for All Involved
Part of having a tough conversation is creating a psychologically safe space for everyone involved.
If you have a conversation with someone who doesn’t feel psychologically safe or physically safe, then you’re not going to be having an authentic and vulnerable conversation with them. You’re going to be having a conversation with their fears.
Building psychological safety with someone looks like…
Listening more than you speak
Respecting them and their thoughts, emotions, and opinions
Having pre-established trust built into the relationship
Showing empathy
And more
To the best of your ability, try to have the conversation in a neutral area. That may mean taking your friend out to grab a coffee or having the conversation with your spouse in the living room instead of the bedroom.
A lot of times, people suggest doing it out in public to help mitigate any high-strung emotions. This may help or hurt your situation specifically, so use discretion when deciding where to have the conversation.
#6 Don’t Delay
The bottom line is that you need to hike up your skirt and get along with it. I can sit here and give all the suggestions in the world, but none of them will matter if you don’t just get over yourself and have the conversations that need to be had.
The longer you let something sit, the longer you wait until you address the problem and have the conversation, and one of two things will happen.
You’ll either get more worked up over the situation, thus eroding your relationship with the other person, or you’ll wait so long that the conversation no longer feels relevant, or you forget what caused the problem in the first place. This can be especially harmful as it acts as a subconscious scorecard and can be something you use against the person down the line.
No one wants to have tough conversations. No one wants to potentially disrupt the peace. There’s never going to be a right time, and you’re never going to have all the right words to say.
But having tough conversations with people builds your ability to control your emotions and accurately and concisely communicate how you’re feeling.
You also create deeper peace between you and the other person by temporarily disrupting the peace to get to the root of problems and situations.
Quick Side Note
All of these tips can be applied to having tough conversations with yourself.
Not only do we need to learn how to have hard conversations with others, but we also need to learn how to initiate them with ourselves.
We are often quick to hide things from ourselves and brush things under the rug.
So if you feel like there aren’t any tough conversations you need to have with others, ask yourself if there are any tough conversations you need to have with yourself.
Then have them.
Real Talk
I have never once (seriously) regretted having a hard conversation with someone or bringing up a tough topic.
Every tough conversation I’ve had has brought more clarity to the situation at hand and has allowed me to deeply understand myself and the other person.
It’s also built a unique relationship with those around me as they know that I won’t let things be brushed under the rug, which builds authenticity, trust, and care in my relationships.
Throughout life, you’ll be met with many scenarios in which the only solution is sitting down and talking about it. Don’t shy away from these conversations and view them as opportunities.
Opportunities to foster peace, create understanding, and overcome fear.